What's Been On My Mind? Productivity

 

I know this is a question LITERALLY no one has asked... BUT I am going to tell you anyway!

Something I did not know about cancer is the way it makes you feel about time. Of course, I suspected it would make me feel like I am running out of time (which it does) but it does more than that. It gives me this feeling the second wake up, like I absolutely cannot stay in bed a single second longer because if I do you just forfeited those precious moments I'm already running low on.

It sounds like a good thing, right??? You're probably thinking, "Man, I wish I felt like that!!"

It is a good thing, sort of. It makes me feel like I MUST get up and be productive for as long as I physically/mentally can during the day but there lies the problem. I am not all that physically/mentally capable. Chemo has been kicking my butt. I did my 10th round of treatment last Tuesday and still do not feel very well and I am writing this for you nearly a week later (Sunday morning). 

So, how does it feel to have great ambition for things to do and no stamina?

Great! Right up until I cannot no longer do anything because I have pushed too hard OR worse when I can't get started in the first place. Then it is this constant cycle of guilt. Wanting to work, be productive, or even just be creative followed by the realization that I can't do all of what I want to do or what I set out to do. It is hard. 

I am the kind of person that can't enjoy a nap (with few exceptions) because I don't want to waste daylight. So, being in this weakened and needy state has been darn near impossible to swallow. I need help with almost everything... It is extremely frustrating.

Not only is my body weakened but so is my mind. It has gotten to the point that if someone is talking to me, I have to turn off everything just so I can focus on what is being said. I wouldn't say I was an excellent listener before BUT now. WHEW! I am terrible. I will have full conversations with people and then genuinely forget the interaction all together.

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Do not get me wrong, I am not writing this to make anyone reading it feel bad or hopeless. I am so grateful for everything I have got through since this horrible diagnosis. I know it sounds weird to say but I really am so happy with the things I have learned, the people who I have had the opportunity to reconnect with, the amazing medical staff that runs my care, and of course for my new found sense of purpose in life, helping others in ANYWAY that I can (no matter how limited my abilities may be).

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My Uncle John said something to me early on in my treatments that helps me cope with all of this. I am paraphrasing here but he said something like: Jenna, you know if you're having negative side effects from your treatments you can at least take comfort in the fact that the drugs are doing something. 

He is/was right! 

My side effects let me know how strong my chemotherapy drugs are and the fact I feel these side effects is really a good thing because it is my way of knowing they are killing my cancer and only wounding me... for now. I KNOW I will be 100,000,000,000x stronger in the end. I know that I am going to emerge from this not just a survivor but a conqueror. I know that. BUT knowing that, doesn't make the daily grind of just pure survival any easier. It WILL make the end that much more satisfying!

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I hope my "high stakes journaling" (AKA blogging) helps you to read as much as it helps me to write. Also, I just wanted to add this at the end. If you (whoever you are) ever need someone to talk to about anything, PLEASE reach out to me. It doesn't matter if you're reading this in the future or seconds after I post. 

Connecting with people since my diagnosis has been the best part of all of this, hands down!

Talk soon! 💚

Jenna Mack