I Need Some Help-GoFundMe
1/9/2022----Cancer Update
It has been since December 14/15 since I gave a true cancer update. I don't necessarily feel like anyone has been “waiting” for my update but I think I have sat on my new information long enough. Funny enough, making cancer update posts actually alleviates me having to answer tons of individual questions from those in my day-to-day life so, do not worry about me doing this for you. I promise it is mostly selfish LOL 😂😅.
If you’re new around here, I’ll spare you the long version of the story. But, these are the “highlights” of my journey thus far.
June 2020:
I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma Cancer June 2020. After MONTHS of horrible back pain and so so so soooooo many scans and appointments after an MRI. I got my results in a portal update. I took them to the ER demanding the CT scans the results said were urgently needed and here we are.
July 2020:
Met my Oncologist
Did a biopsy to confirm what kind of cancer it was. Apparently, you cannot legally diagnose lymphomas from scans. It has to be based on pathology from tissues inside of YOU.
I got my beautiful chest port surgically placed for chemo
By the end of the month, I started chemotherapy
December 29th, 2020:
I finished ALL 12 rounds of chemotherapy. It was every other Friday for what felt like an eternity. I rang the victory bell, everyone cheered, it was a HUGE win
January 2021-May 2021:
I did a bunch of scans and blood work to make sure the cancer was actually DEAD.
June 2021:
I got my chest port surgically removed.
October 2021:
I had a routine post-cancer scan that came back… bad.
December 2021:
I had the most accurate external scan that can be performed that confirmed all of our fears, the cancer is back… and growing. It grew pretty dramatically from my October 22 scan to my December 8th scan. AKA bad news.
I know, I know, “Get on to the cancer update! Get to the part where you tell everyone how brave you are and how you’re the “Warrior-Princess” ready to fight this like always”
The problem with that is, I don’t feel inspiring or brave or courageous or like… me. Here is the thing I’ve been grappling with since the very beginning, how do I continue being me during all of this? For <long> stints of time, I have not felt like me during this battle. It has royally SUCKED!!!! Currently, the worst part I cannot get past is the feeling that I had from July 2021 to before my scan at the end of October 2021 where I felt like I had won. I felt wise. I felt like, if it ever came back I’d know what to expect. Know how to handle it. Know how to continue on, because I had done it before. But, here’s the thing I’ve learned, you’re never ready to hear life-changing news. Never.
Something I haven’t really talked about with you all (Note: when I say “you all” I am speaking VERY generally. I aim that at everyone that has found me online and knows me but does not see me, day-in and day-out. Not saying you are not important to me, I can assure you, you ARE what keeps me going… ANYWAYS lol) is the fact that when this journey with cancer started allllllll the way back in June 2020, I felt like I had FINALLY figured something in my life out. Christian and I had gotten engaged in May, almost a month to the day before I got diagnosed. I had accepted my DREAM JOB. We had plans. Life was moving forward. I had graduated from college in December 2019. I guess thats where the saying John Lennon quote, “Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans” comes from. I *think I *might actually get what he is saying. Sad it took me until the SECOND calendar year I’ve been dealing with cancer to figure it out…
But, hey! It’s like I tell my students, “I am NOT going to punish you for learning at a different pace! If you learn it and master it, I am happy!”
What is my point with all that? Well, I felt like I liked myself. I <thought> I knew myself and for the first time in recent memory, I liked who that person was!!! I know that sounds depressing but, it’s true! The problem was, after my initial diagnosis, I was soooooooo unbelievably ANGRY. Sad. PISSED OFF!!!! I hated EVERYONE, especially, those that had the AUDACITY to feel joy anywhere near me. I struggled with my own mortality in ways I don’t want you to understand. I promise, I do NOT want ANYONE to feel the way I felt then (or today). And yes, there are people I actually dislike/hate [you know who you are ;)] and I don’t even wish this on them…
The young, brave, courageous, feisty, and unflappable young woman that started this cancer journey is no longer here. She got lost early on. A different person took her place. And as the cancer experience has continued, different versions of the person that took her place have come and gone. But, like I said, from July right up until the late October scan, I was cocky. I had forgotten what it felt like to be lost. Completely and utterly lost. SCREAMING into the abyss, not hearing so much as an echo back. I don’t know where all those awesome versions of Jenna Mackenzie came from or where they have run off to but I hope they know I (whoever I am) misses them, every day.
I know this is long and I applaud those of you that are still here. It takes a lot to read suchhhhh a downer post. Thank you! Y’all are the REAL MVPs!!!
But, I honestly feel like I am stuck. I am in a “Skin Prison.” I have cancer. I can’t get away from it. No matter what I do, it is there. Here? Everywhere? You get the point! I no longer want to have biological children. I feel like that would be the ultimate move of selfishness. ****DISCLAIMER: The following statement is NOT a slight to people that have or want to have biological children. Trust me, I get it!!**** I cannot have biological children after all this in good conscience. My DNA is wrong. It makes cancer. How could I KNOWINGLY pass on that faulty genetic make-up to the person/people I KNOW I would go to the ends of the Earth to spare from pain????? I can’t. This is not me asking for anyone to tell me the statistics on former cancer patients having healthy biological children. Please, do not send it. I know. It does NOT change my mind. I always knew I had PLENTY of love to give to children, regardless of who birthed them. Just ask any of my students, they’ll tell you. I have always loved them unconditionally. I have wanted to adopt for a long time so, it is not the end of the world to make this decision. It just SUCKS that I ultimately did not get to make the call for the reasons I wanted to. Cancer has forced my hand #ThanksALotCancer
Anyway, on January 31st of this month, I am scheduled to undergo major surgery to remove a large mass of active cancer in what used to be my Thymus Gland (pre-cancer). If you’re unfamiliar (I know I did not know WTF my surgeon was talking about lol), the Thymus Gland is under your ribs. It is directly in front of your heart and partially covers both lungs. It has to GOOOOOOO! It seems to be the only active cancer I currently have. Originally, it was the largest cancer tumor. She (the tumor) has decided to “not go gent[ly] into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light” -Dylan Thomas (1914-1953). Not going to lie, I knew that was a quote from a poet but until I just now looked it up I only knew it from the G-Eazy album When It’s Dark Out. Shoutout to those of us that liked G-Eazy before he made terrible music. We miss the OG Soundcloud G-Eazy!!!
I’m getting off track. The point is, I am going to be in the hospital for AT LEAST a full day and night, possibly more. I even got to find out I am going to have a really pretty drainage tube for a while. It’s fine, it’s only a visible tube that goes ALL THE WAY into my chest cavity. It’s FINE!!!!!! I’m FINE!!!!😅😅
After surgery, we will wait for the pathology to come back on the mass, and then we may be doing radiation treatments and an entirely different chemotherapy regimen to KILL IT for good!
I have taken medical leave from work so I can hopefully get my surgery on January 31st like it is scheduled. But, I have been contacted by my Surgeon and Oncologist multiple times because the hospital is VERY close to maximum capacity, treating COVID-19 patients and because there are major staff shortages due to nurses, doctors, and other essential personnel testing positive for COVID-19. My surgery, at any time, could be delayed. Which for me, means my cancer has more time to grow. None of it is good.
I have started a GoFundMe to help cover my living and medical costs. If you are able, please consider donating. If you are unable to donate, please share this GoFundMe and/or my blog post. I really need some help.
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Jenna's GoFundMe LINK
Thank you to EVERYONE who has helped me on this journey so far! I love and appreciate you ALL! :,) 💕
Jenna Mackenzie
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