The "Real" First Post
This is just me thinking out loud.
I find strength in saying I don’t know. I don’t want to know all the answers. I want to be the best self I can be ALL the time, learning from my mistakes and growing the whole time. I gain strength from others. We are all social creatures, meant to uplift and bring joy to others. We are not supposed to fear being ourselves. We are supposed to go through life being unapologetically ourselves and knowing that those we love will accept us and help us grow while others will continue on their journey unimpacted. My problem is, why do people feel the need to push their beliefs and selves on to others? I think it stems from their own fearfulness about their lives and choices. They want others to do, say, and believe what they do; that way if they are wrong, at least they aren’t alone.
I want to lift others up. I want to dedicate my life to serving others in the hope that those that see me will want to encourage and be there for their fellow man in their own unique way. We all have things to offer to others that is uniquely our own. We each should feel empowered to be ourselves and share our gifts with the world. When you encounter those, who do not believe as you do, listen. Have a dialogue. Grow together. NONE of us have all the answers but together as a united people we can find more of the answers. We can be more fulfilled. We can be stronger and better, together. The most important word in that sentence was, together. Without each other we have nothing. We MUST unite to find who we are.
How can I feel so strong and unbreakable? How can I not be angry at the universe or God? How can I push to live my best life, all while having cancer? Because I have to. There is not an alternative. If I stop living, if I stop being happy, if I give cancer anything more than my health I am giving up. I have a long life ahead of me, I can’t give up now. I can’t give up before I achieve my dreams. I can’t give up before I do what I set out to. I can’t give up until my very last breath because if I do, what was the point of living at all?
I love rap music. It is a fascinating genre, I say this because I think Jay-Z said it best in his song “Forever Young” when he said, “Life is for living not living uptight.” He’s right. We should be living and enjoying the life we have, not always planning, not always waiting for the next thing to then be happy and start enjoying ourselves. I realized that early on in my cancer journey. The fact is I was diagnosed with an EXTREMELY serious illness at 22 years old and had to come to terms with the fact that I am mortal and will one day die. That was a hard pill to swallow. Before I finally swallowed that pill, I won’t lie to you, I was beyond angry. Hating the world, universe, God, and everyone that wasn’t having to face their mortality in their youth the way I was having to. I was furious. Though, I quickly realized that my anger, frustration, sadness, and fear were only stealing more of my life. I don’t have an unlimited amount of time on this Earth and feeling the way I felt was only making my precious moments here feel like torture. It felt like I had stopped living and was being forced to watch those around me live a free and happy lives. Cancer can’t take what you refuse to give it. It cannot take your integrity. It cannot take your zest for life. It cannot take your passions. It cannot take your drive. It cannot take your purpose. Do NOT misunderstand me, I am not saying it is easy by any means to accept these truths OR that if you do not feel strong enough to fight the cancer that it will not come for these things that belong to you… it will. BUT we do not have to surrender. We can and sometimes we will lose the battle, but we can still come back even stronger and win the war. I have hard days. I have days where I just want to cry the entire day away. I have days that I sleep the majority of the day away because I feel so ill from my treatments. But those days do not have to define me. Those days pass and days like today are in my future. Days where I feel strong and powerful. Days that I deserve.
I am not perfect, and I do not claim to be. I simply try and be the best I can be, every day, while knowing I will be even better tomorrow. As I am writing this, I realize how self-important and ‘wise’ I am sounding. This is unintentional. I just want to work through how I feel and if ANY of my thoughts, feelings, or words can help ANYONE else in the world, I want to make sure they are available to them. I hope that my journey can help someone else. I hope that I am not the only one who will get the opportunity to grow from my experiences. I hope that others around me see what I am experiencing and see the lessons I am being forced to learn and save themselves trouble of waiting to have a massive wakeup call like the one I am having now. I would NEVER wish what I am going through onto ANYONE else in the world but at the same exact time I hope everyone has a life clarifying event that allows them to see what is truly important. Unfortunately for me, I waited until it was a catastrophic event, my cancer diagnosis, to look around and smell the roses. Be grateful for what you have. Even when it is not what you wanted. Even when it is not anything major. Even when you want something else. Be grateful. You never know how much time you’re actually going to have and if you wait to be happy until everything is perfect, there is a chance that you will never get your moment at all.
I am a work in progress. I have SO MUCH to do, learn, see, think, and experience that it is crazy! But I now know to take it one step at a time. Look around and think about how lucky you are to be you, and have what you have, and thank God, the universe, or whatever you believe in for it. I am such a lucky person. I have a family that loves me, food when I am hungry, a roof over my head, and so much more. There is no reason for me to compare what I have to anyone else. There is no reason for me to be jealous of anyone else. Because guess what? If I really want what they have, I can go get it. And if I am not willing to go get it, I must not have wanted it as much as they did! I have also realized it is not my place to tell anyone what to do, say, think, or believe. It is my duty to listen, learn, and grow myself. I am my responsibility. I must do what is right and it is not right to take others’ autonomy or to make them feel bad or lesser for their beliefs or their choices.
I have the power to love unconditionally at every turn. I used to say this to students when they asked me how to be more convincing to their peers. **Note: This is in the context of reading. The students that asked me were advocates for a reading program that I assisted in starting and they wanted to help their peers feel the fulfillment that they did from reading and school in general.** They saw that their peers were typically more convinced/moved by me. They wanted to know my ‘secret’ to success. So, I told them. I said something to the effect of, if you genuinely want to help people tell them that. Tell them EXACTLY what it is you’re trying to do for them and why. It is incredibly hard to be angry and hateful to a person who believes wholeheartedly that what they are doing can improve your life. And the fact that you’re going out of your way to do this for them is the only thing motivating you. It is hard to be mad at that person. Sure, some still will be hostile. It does not make that person bad, evil, or anything of the sort. It just means that they have been taught to mistrust others who say they are there to help. It means they have never been blessed enough to experience true, unconditional kindness. AND THAT is so sad. We shouldn’t harbor ill will for them, we should hope that they eventually let down their walls and get to experience that feeling and love from others without being hurt or tricked.
I have the power to make the world a better place, starting with me. It is as simple as smiling at another. Or trusting your fellow man to do the right thing. Or not hold a grudge. Or helping someone in their time of need despite being tired or unmotivated. It does not have to be grand gestures. It does not have to be all the time. And we most certainly do not have to be perfect. We just have to try every day to be more perfect. Because that is all we can do.
Jenna Mackenzie
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