Cancer Update

Q: How was chemo #8? Did you ring the final chemo bell? How does it feel to be done?

A: I feel pretty pitiful. I don't feel good at all. For reference, I just vomited and it is a Wednesday... days after chemo. No, I didn't ring the bell. And I don't know that I am done with chemo. Actually, I feel very done with chemo but my doctor says that chemo may not be done with me...

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My doctor says we have to do another PET scan before we can be certain about whether or not I am actually done with chemotherapy. I apparently have 2 significant risk factors.

1. The fact that my tumors were considered to be "bulky" when I was first diagnosed. This means my tumors were very large when they were discovered.
2. My sedimentation rate in my blood was elevated when my cancer was first discovered. NOTE: I am not a doctor or medical professional so take my expertise with a grain of salt. This blood count is an indication of inflammation. When extremely elevated, can be a sign of cancer or another inflammatory disease like it. 

These indicators may push me into a riskier class of patients. And if that is, in fact, the way this goes, I will have to complete 4 more chemotherapy treatments. That means 2 more months of feeling so sick, all the time. I learned all of this right before my last treatment. As you can imagine, I didn't take it too well. I had been imagining myself ringing the final chemo bell and cheering with the support of all of the amazing oncology nurses and my fellow chemo patients. Unfortunately, that's not what happened Friday. I sat sobbing quietly to myself in my chemo chair alone until my nurses decided they could make an exception for me this ONE TIME and allow me to have a visitor (Christian) sit with me for the duration of my treatment. I assure you, they didn't let me cry alone for long before they told me to call someone to sit with me. Let me be very clear: EVERY single one of the employees at Emory's Winship Cancer Institute are bonafide heroes. I wish there was a way I could adequately express my gratitude to them. 


**Note to self: Write a post about the amazing oncology nurses and other hospital employees.

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Q: How does it feel to get diagnosed with cancer at 22 years old?

A: Terrible. You go into a state of denial. It can't be you. "Not me!" you tell yourself. Over and over again. And yet, it is true. It really is you.

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The craziest thing about this illness, this horrible disease, is the fact you cannot see it. You can see scans of it, you can see your blood counts being wrong on your print outs. BUT at no point do you get to look into cancer's eyes and yell. At no point do you get to tell off the person that sent this illness to you. There is no one to blame. I will tell you, I never considered myself a visual person but clearly, I am.

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Q: How are you doing with all of this? How are you coping?

A: Not great. I wish I had a video of me ringing the bell and crying tears of joy to put here. BUT I don't. Instead, all I have is my will to push forward. I have to live. 

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As much as I want the world to pause and not leave me behind it hasn't AND it won't. I have to keep living despite being sick. This has been extremely challenging, especially with the pandemic still hanging around. I have been isolated from almost everyone. I have had to stay mostly quarantined. I wish life would stop going on without me. Believe me, I do. But I fairly recently, that life didn't say I couldn't come too. We can keep moving together EVEN THOUGH I am still sick. 

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This is not the end of me. This is not my biggest or most defining moment. This is now. And it is okay that it SUCKS! It's even okay to say that it SUCKS. This is just one more thing I have to do. I have to wait. 

As always, I'll keep you posted with new information AFTER I have time to process it for myself.

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I'll leave you with this mirror selfie I took the other night at my local Old Navy while Christian was trying on pants in the fitting room! Please also note, I am being extremely careful when I am in public places to not put myself in harm's way. We usually go out later at night when most others have already gone home, I wear a mask and usually a shield, and we wash and sanitize our hands frequently. 

Don't take life too seriously. I promise, I'm not! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

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Talk soon! 💕

Jenna Mackenzie