What am I fighting for?

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If any of the sentences below resonate with the way you feel or have felt, this one is for you.

• Why can't I catch a break?
• I feel like everyone is against me. 
• Is it worth it?
• Why is this so unfair?
• What more can go wrong?
• How is this fair?
• I am never good enough.
• Is fighting this hard ever going to pay off?
• I feel like I am working as hard as I can and am getting no where...
• I feel like I am never going to make it out of here.
• It doesn't matter what I do, it is never going to be enough.
• I feel hopeless.

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I am not perfect. Since June 27, 2020 (the day I was diagnosed with cancer) I have been on an incredibly enlightening journey. At the time, if you had asked me if I thought having cancer was going to be an experience that I would grow and learn from, I would have not had any kind words to respond with. 

When this journey began I was angry. I felt betrayed. I genuinely believed my life was coming to an end. The worst part was the fact I felt like it was happening all before I had even lived. It felt like the walls were closing in. I let myself believe everything was being taken away, all my dreams of the future, all the goals I had been working toward. It was over for me. I told myself that I was a victim and that I had no power over anything in my life.

Even at the time, there was quiet voice in the back of my mind telling me "you can't fight cancer with a losing attitude." 

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I thought about my grandfather a lot. About the losing battle he had with cancer in 2007-2008. I thought about the memories we made during that time DESPITE the disease. 

My grandfather never allowed himself to be angry. He did not ever waste a second of the time he had to wallow in self-pity. He didn't want to be remembered like that. He knew that he didn't have time to waste. He had the power to live his life to the fullest with or without cancer. He made the choice to live his best life, every day.

Cancer cannot take anything more than your health, unless YOU give it more. 

My grandfather showed unwavering fearlessness and strength. He made every second he had count. He made sure to say out loud how much he loved us, how proud he was of us, and he confidently told us that he knew we were going to be okay no matter what life threw at us both then and in the future. He is the most inspiring man I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.

After some dark days, I knew it was time to make a change. I had a heart to heart with myself, I call these "Executive Sessions with Myself" (a name I stole the name the late John Lewis). I interrogated myself. What if it really was the end? Was this really how I wanted to go out? Angry at the world, a powerless victim who spread misery as their last act? I owed my grandfather more than that. I owed the people that love me more than that. I owed it to myself to be better. I had to take a stand. I had to stop giving cancer even more power over my life. I could not allow it to take away my health AND everything I love about the person I am. I had to muster the will to fight.

After my Executive Session, I knew that it was time. I had to shift my perspective. I could not allow anger and hurt to define my existence anymore. 

I put on a strong face. One that rarely showed fear, anger, and betrayal. It was time to stop being upset about all the things out of my control and take charge of what I still had power over. I could control how those around me felt about my battle. I could be like my grandfather and fight with courage. I could be an example of someone who stared down the monster and didn't blink.

***Disclaimer: I am not saying I am impervious to weakness. There are certainly times that I have fallen into feeling sorry for myself or angry at the world. TRUST ME, I have had those moments more times than I care to admit. The difference is I no longer allow those moments to define who I am or who I am becoming. I acknowledge what they are, a moment. I refuse to give them the power to be anymore than that.***

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This is the story of how I saved myself. 

Obviously, my story is specific to me, my life, and the circumstances I found myself in. BUT, I think there are lessons that anyone who is struggling could apply to what they are going through.

June 27, 2020

You know this part, I was diagnosed with cancer. What I have NOT shared is the way I was told and the thoughts I had about it, until now. 

Christian and my mom switched places while I was in the back getting 2 CT scans. Only one person was allowed in the room with the patient at a time due to COVID-19 precautions. When I came back to my room in the ER it was my mother in the chair next to the bed. I thanked the orderly as he left and starting talking with my mom. I don't remember what we said, I just remember the sinking feeling I had. I didn't/don't know a lot about the medical field so I only had so many things I could guess would cause the tumors in my chest. My guess was cancer. 

The room felt tense. My mother was trying not to show me her fear. Meanwhile, I was just trying to go numb. As we sat there my numbness turned to impatience. I embraced that feeling, it was WAYYYYY better than thinking about the unknown that laid ahead.

Then it happened, the PA returned. She was a wreck. She was trying to disguise the fact she had just stopped crying. As she entered the room and closed the door behind her, she started to cry again. 

Here I am lying in a hospital bed, my mother holding my hands crying, staring at the PA not being able to gather herself as she says the words "you have cancer." My calm demeanor turned into hysteria in an instantly. I could barely breath. All three of us were crying now. 

I caught my breath enough to ask, "what could I have done to prevent this?" My question made the PA even worse. Through her tears she assured me that this was in no way brought on by anything I had done and that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. No one knows what causes lymphoma. Her answer made me feel even worse. How could it be that I have cancer AND there was nothing to blame it on?

I felt like I was drowning. As I looked at my mother and this young PA, who were so devastated on my behalf, I realized I had to get myself together or they were not going to be able to function. I had to stop hyperventilating and slow down the tears. I checked out of the situation. I let the PA talk, I nodded like I was listening when in reality I was gone. My tactic worked, the PA was able to stop crying and then my mother was too. Eventually, the PA left the room and just like that my mind brought me back to the very real nightmare I was living. I lost it all over again and my mother followed suit. I don't remember much else from inside the ER that night.

I was discharged from the hospital and we walked outside to where Christian, my Aunt Kim, and my best friend Brandon had been waiting. Mom broke the news to them as I got dressed to go inside. Everyone stared at me, not knowing what to say. I tried to tell them everything about what the PA had said while trying to stay calm. We hugged. Spoke briefly about the diagnosis and hugged some more. I remember that I tried to joke about the diagnosis. I was the only one who chuckled. 

We then went our separate ways. Kim and mom got into Kim's car and drove home. Christian and Brandon asked me what I wanted to do now. I wasn't sure. Finally, I announced what I wanted for dinner a margarita and tacos. I didn't have it in me to go to a restaurant. So, Brandon went to the liquor store and got my favorite tequila (Teremana DUHHHHH!) and Christian and I headed home to order the food to be delivered. When we got there I wasn't in a talking mood. But, I felt like I needed to share the news with my closest friends and family. So, I started texting. Support immediately poured in from everyone I told. That was the first moment that made any of the nightmare better. I was not alone. 

I told Christian that I needed him to drive me to get my head shaved first thing in the morning. I made arrangements with my Ryan (one of my other best friends) to go to the Mall of GA with me after my head was shaved to buy bows to enhance my bald glory. Then, I went to bed.

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June 28, 2020

That morning Christian, Brandon, and I piled into the truck and headed to the Great Clips in Flowery Branch. I don't remember anything about the ride or conversations we had. I just remember as I got out they asked me if I wanted them to come in, I said no. This was something I wanted to do on my own.

I entered the salon just as they were opening. The friendly hair dresser sat me down, put my robe, and asked the standard questions about what I wanted to do with my hair. My answer shocked her.

    "I want to shave it all off."

    She stuttered, "Are you sure?"

Then, for the first time, I explained the fact that I had cancer. It was difficult to say out loud. I teared up as I spoke, my voice trembled. After I spoke, I looked in the mirror at her standing behind me. She nodded to let me know she understood, her eyes filled with tears. After we both regained our composure we talked as she worked. She told me about her mother who had cancer many years ago and survived. We talked about my decision to preemptively shave my head to avoid the heartache of watching my hair fall out. We talked about it all. Our conversation that morning helped me feel strong; I saw how my brave face made others feel courageous. If I could at least look like I was not afraid, those around me felt empowered by my "strength." This was the moment it all started. I started to regain some control. I was in control of how I made others feel.

At the end of my shave our conversation got lighter. She jokingly said "thank god you have a beautiful head, you never know what you're going to uncover." I smiled, she was right. I had not even considered the fact that I could have a lumpy monster that had been hiding under my hair all these years. Thankfully, my head is nice and smooth. 

I walked over to the counter to pay but as I was pulling out my wallet she stopped me. She explained Great Clips' initiative called "Clips of Kindness." Cancer patients get their heads shaved for free. I had no clue such an initiative existed. I teared up again. I managed to choke out the words "thank you." I turned around and left.

As I walked back to the truck I let the tears in my eyes fall but I kept my bad head high. I had nothing to be ashamed of, I was still just as beautiful as when I walked in.

When I got back in the truck I was met with kind and supportive reactions, just like the ones I received inside.  

On the drive home I thought about ways I could make this nightmare into something positive. It was then that I decided I was going to be an open book about what I was experiencing. It started with my social media pages and obviously, it has grown from there. I decided sharing my journey with my friends on social media was going to be another way of taking back my power. I couldn't control the cancer but I could control the way I looked at the cancer and the way those around me did too.

As we got closer to home, I took my first bald selfies. I hardly recognized myself when I opened my front camera. But, no one else knew that. I decided the phrase "fake it until you make it" was going to be my new personal mantra. I wanted to document my baldness for my first cancer post. But, I had no interest in looking the way I was feeling; scared, weak, and hopeless. Those feelings were my business and my business alone. I wanted to show people that I was brave and planned to fight as hard as I could against this disease. 

The selfies above are all the photos I took that morning. As I look at these pictures now (1/16/21), I think all but one looks genuinely happy even though I wasn't. I think the one where I am closed mouth smiling shows the "real" way I was feeling, scared. To me, that one looks forced. Which in all fairness it was LITERALLY a forced and fake smile. That is why it has never been posted anywhere, until now.

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Why am I sharing all of this now?    

Well, I guess it is because I realized that being 100% honest with both the world and myself has the potential of making me even stronger. I want people to know my whole truth. I have doubts, fears, and uncertainty. These feelings are ones that I have to overcome daily. It is a deliberate choice that has to be made over and over again. My strength and positivity does not just happen. 

That's why I have written this post, to make sure no one is at home comparing themselves to the very carefully crafted image of myself I have created over the past few months. It is unrealistic to be positive 100% of the time. This does not mean you are inadequate, it just means you have more work to do. I am right there with you. We're all in this together. 

I am proud of you.

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• Link to learn more about John Lewis
• Link to learn more about Great Clips "Clips of Kindness" initiative.